Lizardsmells

The Human Centipede is a movie that sounds a lot worse than it is. The movie is about 3 people being grafted ass to mouth, to created a human chain. First place gets to eat food. 2nd place gets to eat 1st’s shit, 3rd place gets to eat 2nd’s shit. The concept is about a million times more disturbing than the movie. The movie is so badly done, you don’t even get the shock factor. It’s too stupid to incite anything but incredulity that it was even made.  If you are interested in avoiding spoilers for this gigantic piece of crap movie, then stop here, because there are spoilers a’ plenty below!  Please also note that I leave out quite a bit of detail and even some scenes.  They’re all just so stupid it seemed pointless to mention them all.

With that in mind, I present:

The Human Centipede

- a summary with foul language

Strange guy fingers a badly photoshopped picture of his ‘three-hound’ while sitting in his car in broad daylight.

Now it’s night.

Oh, look, we’re lost in the middle of the woods in some crazy foreign country. Because clearly, young women alone on a trek through Europe always drive through the middle of the woods. No one uses roads.

Whine, hiss, fight, argue, stumble, “Where are we?” Also, it’s raining now.

“look! a light!”

Oh, a strange man. he’s creepy, but says we can use his phone. Let’s go in! Ooooh, paintings of conjoined twins, creeeeeepy! This guy is still weird, he doesn’t talk much just stares at us and wanders around.

Thanks for the water, creepy stranger, we’ll drink it right down even though we didn’t see you make it (or put the roofies in it).

Girl 2: ”I’m so tired all of a sudden!”
Girl 1: “What’s wrong with you? Wake up! We have to get out of here!”

::CUE CRYING AND MASCARA RUNNING THAT NEVER EVER STOPS THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE::

Girl 1: holy shit I have to crawl and spit foam out of my mouth because everyone knows roofies make you foam at the mouth like a rabid dog.

Strange guy is strange, the girls are now strapped to beds. There’s a bearded guy also strapped to a bed, but gagged with a ball gag, because strange guys in the middle of the european woods are also fetishists.

Strange guy decide beardy won’t work and kills him in front of the girls only we dont’ see it, because the sfx budget was way low.

Girl 1 manages to get free and tries to run away. She yanks the iv out of her arm when running and it makes an impressive slash in which half her blood comes pouring out to soak her clothing in about 2 seconds. Must’ve been one of those newfangled IV blades. In the process she passes a perfectly good telephone and tries to exit out windows instead of finding the goddamn door. She is still crying and has lots of mascara on. Have I mentioned it’s the next day yet? Because it is. this is the never-ending mascara.

Girl 1 is trapped in strange guy’s bedroom. With a phone and probably something she could use as a weapon. But she’s useless so she stands there screaming and crying as he tries to break the window from the outside to get in. Which he does, because she stands there screaming and crying and being useless. The mascara? It’s still running!

Girl 1 is back on the bed and strapped down. Strange guy stands around looking weird for several scenes.

The girls wake up and, what’s this? A Japanese gentleman has taken beardy’s place. He speaks no english, how convenient. We’ll make him the head guy. Girl 1 gets the middle since she was silly enough to try to run and girl 2 gets the end. Now, let’s have an overhead projection presentation about this concept with shitty drawings that make no medical sense whatsoever. The bedridden look horrified. Also, mascara.

Next scene strange guy removes a tooth from someone’s head.

Next scene everyone is attached ass to mouth. Everything is also bandaged conveniently. Saves on the special effects budget I guess. (And it must’ve been pretty low to begin with, really.)

Next few scenes they learn to walk as a unit on all fours. Stupid.

Next scene Japanese guy finally gets fed. He eats ravenously, the girls are probably hungry too, but they’re not getting anything but shit for dinner. And not until later, like the next scene.

Japanese guy gets a look on his face and says, in Japanese, “Oh, sorry, sorry, I have to shit. I’m so sorry!” Girl two gets a horrified look on her face. Also, mascara and crying. How she hasn’t suffocated with her stuffy nose from all this nonstop crying I’m not sure.

Next scene Girl 2 isn’t looking so hot. Strange guy squeezes her ‘infected’ face sutures only to discover she’s actually full of lemon pie filling. It looks delicious.

Next several scenes are filler and crap, eventually there’s a confrontation, the Japanese guy cuts his throat, killing himself, they manage to kill strange guy (who managed to kill a couple of really stupid police earlier, which are now floating in his pool, face down). Right after, Girl 2 dies. Now girl 1 is the only one left alive and there isn’t shit she can do about it. So she cries and more mascara runs down her face.

The end.

OR IS IT?????

So a week ago someone broke into my car, sitting in my driveway, on a dead end street off of another dead end street out in the middle of West Goddamn Virginia. They got my iPod Nano, the one from Jat inscribed “music for the woman who makes my heart sing”. It’s 5 years old, but I love it, lots of sentimental value. They also got my Garmin Nuvi out of my glovebox.

Jat spent a good part of the day in “I told you so” land. Which is fine, because he did. I just never thought I needed to lock my car doors out in the goddamn boonies for fuck’s sake. The cop who came to take the report says this happens all the time around here. We live in what’s considered an affluent area to these WV folks. To me it’s middle class, but whatever, I guess it’s tempting enough for asshole douchebag thieves. So yeah, I was pissed off. Still am.

But Jat ordered me a new Nano immediately. It’s purple and shiny and has all kinds of crazy features. It takes video, it has an accelerometer in it so I can shake it to shuffle randomly to a new song and it has games on it, a pedometer and all sorts of wackass shit. It’s a nifty little device and I’ve been having fun with it. Jat also got this one engraved with “music for the woman who rocks my world”. He’s awesome.

In more ‘wow my husband rocks’ news, he’s also building me a new computer, a 64 bit system, so I can more easily use all my digital and 3D graphics apps that I use for school. Right now it’s a nightmare trying to work in these programs because my laptop just can’t handle everything I need it to.

I’ve been reading The E-Myth lately. Holy shit, talk about eye-opening. I now know what went wrong with the glass business and why my yarn business would’ve gone the same way if I hadn’t picked up this book. It’s amazing. I’m in the process now of incorporating the ideas and suggestions in the book to build a stronger business. Fuck yeah.

This is the camera package I bought, it was, at the time, on sale for 200.00 less than it’s selling for now.  I upgraded some of the lenses and filters when I talked to the guy on the phone.  One of the things I needed was macro capability, so they hooked my bitch ass up.  I am SO EXCITED about getting this camera.  Ever since my dad gave me his manual Yashica when I was 15 I’ve yearned for a nice, semi-pro camera set up.  When digital cameras began to be something other than novelties that took shit photos I began wanting a digital SLR, but knew it was far, far out of my budget and probably would be for a good long while.  This is a dream come true.   In addition to this, about 2 weeks ago, DH bought me a DSi, which I’m having a great time with too.  The man spoils me rotten on all fronts.  I love it and I love my life.

And having the camera and the sheer delight I feel at having it is something that is causing me no small amount of discomfort.  Not because I feel badly for spending the money on myself, because I don’t at all, we can afford it and I found a good deal.  No, I feel badly because there is not really anyone I can share this with.  We have, much to my surprise, become of The Haves.  Many friends, on the other hand, for the most part, are of the Have Nots.  There is no fucking way I can share this awesome news with them without feeling like an asshole who’s rubbing it in their faces.

So.  I’ll share the news here and happily crow away about my new, awesome, supercool toys and maybe not feel too much like a bragging, gloating assfaced fuckwit.

I’m about to drop 900.00 on a camera kit.  The body and 6 lenses among other things.

Somebody hold me, this is scary.  But I need the fucking thing.  I need a new camera, one that can accurately capture color and the Canon XS I’m probably going to buy seems to be highly rated when it comes to color.  I’ve also wanted a digital SLR forever and need to be able to take good, high res shots for texture work and other digital applications.  Or at least that’s how I’m justifying buying more camera than I need.  It’s a good deal too, a damn good deal.

Business is booming, which means I’ve been too fucking busy to get this shit back up and running.  Which means I’m likely talking to myself.  I’ve pulled my ads to give me a little breathing room and time to build up stock before I send out my postcards.  I have 60% of them addressed and ready to be taken to the post office, 40 to go…part of me hopes and expects a really good response, my stitch markers aren’t popular for nothing, the other part of me is terrified of getting too much business, getting overwhelmed and having to fake my internet death (you knitters know what I mean).

In other news I found out we have  a rewards program on our credit cards.  I had no idea, but now have an Amazon gift certificate heading my way.  Maybe I’ll use it to buy a book on digital SLRs.

I accidentally deleted my blog.  Yes, I’ve kicked myself in the taint.  I’m working on getting myself back up and running.